You know what’s super fun to do when you’re bored? Take a pregnancy test!
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Try not to pee for as many hours as possible because then the hormones that indicate pregnancy will be denser in your urine. Read the directions in their entirety before beginning. Remember those tests you had to take in junior high with the instructions that say “Read all questions before answering”? But you start answering them right away, and then when you get to the end it says “Now only answer every other question starting with number 2.” It’s sort of like that. You have to know before you start that you can only hold the Absorbent Tip in the urine stream for five seconds, and then you point the test stick down as you replace the Overcap, and then lay it on a flat surface with the Result Window facing up for three minutes. You can’t be midstream while you’re reading the instructions about what to do next because you can’t count and read at the same time, unless you are some kind of genius, in which case you would not be taking a pregnancy test in the first place.
When you start peeing, don’t stick the Absorbent Tip in the urine stream right away (if you’ve waited a good four or five hours or until you can’t hold it anymore you’ll be peeing for a lot longer than five seconds). Once the urine is coming out nice and straight, not spraying in a million different directions, then place the Absorbent Tip in the stream. Now, it’s really hard to stop at exactly five seconds because once you’ve learned how to count you just want to go on and on, but make sure you remove the Absorbent Tip from the urine as soon as you hit Mississippi number five.
Now as you wait for the two lines that indicate you are pregnant to show up in the Result Window, rehearse what you will say when you call the asshole to tell him you are getting an abortion because you will want to let him know before you do it even though you are absolutely sure he will agree that it is the best solution, but you still think it’s fair to give him the option, the chance to disagree. Of course, you will not listen to him if he does disagree, and you will not expect him to give you money for it because he barely even has enough money for rent and has all these problems right now that you have been helping him deal with, trying to be his friend, trying to be his girlfriend to be exact.
