My girlfriend and I have been together for two years, and while it’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in, we’re not sexually compatible. Her ideal amount of sex would be twice a month. For me the number is closer to once a day. We’ve reached a compromise that usually comes out to three times a week, but that number leaves her feeling oversexed and me feeling undersexed. The reason she claims to not like sex is that she’s usually unable to climax without fantasizing that she’s being drugged and taken advantage of by evil research scientists. I have offered to buy props (lab coat, clipboard, drug paraphernalia, etc) and role-play this fantasy with her, but she’s asked me not to, saying that she feels “broken” for having it and doesn’t want to make things worse. I’ve finally persuaded her to agree to try it, but only if I can get an expert’s assurance that going through with it isn’t likely to make things worse. Any help you can give would be greatly appreciated. –Undersexed Because of Evil Scientists
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Hopefully the string of letters after Yvonne K. Fulbright’s name–MS Ed., PhD–will impress your girlfriend. Fulbright is the author of The Hot Guide to Safer Sex, and according to her Web site (www.yvonnekfulbright.com) she’s an Icelandic-born media darling “often described as the Dr. Ruth of Generation Y.” Fulbright’s site lists every publication she’s ever graced with a quote, and she’s got a few choice ones for your girlfriend. Unfortunately they’re probably not what you want her to hear, UBOES.
“Acting out this fantasy is not going to solve the problem at hand” (i.e., the amount of sex you’re having), Fulbright goes on. “It may get her off, [but] she’s still going to have her complex with sex and feel oversexed. In addressing this issue your first step is to reassure your girlfriend that it’s OK to have such fantasies–that there’s nothing wrong with them and she has nothing to feel guilty about. Second, don’t push acting out the fantasy unless she wants to. A lot of people would rather not act out their fantasies for fear that actualization could taint erotic reactions and diminish arousal. (Plus, in some cases fantasies can scare the crap out of us and acting them out may simply cause further trauma.) Third, work with your girlfriend on identifying a professional who can help her with her issues, with the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (www.aasect.org) being a great place to start.”
The fact of the matter, young miss, is that your fantasies are not going to go away, and besides the blazingly obvious observation that, yep, they have something to do with overcoming your sexual inhibitions through eroticized helplessness–you’re not going to get much out of therapy. And far from making matters worse, acting on harmless sexual fantasies, however bizarre, frequently diminishes their relative importance to your sexual inner life. Forbidding yourself to act on a sexual fantasy is like forbidding yourself to think about bananas–it kind of makes it hard to think of anything else, you know? If you would just relax, embrace your fantasies, and appreciate the gold mine you’re sitting on in the form of a dreamy GGG boyfriend, you’ll be a much happier and more sexually fulfilled person. You may even be able to climax thinking of something else, i.e., you’ll feel less “broken,” not more, once you give yourself permission to act on these fantasies.
