Remember that reader who suggested you take submissions for the most embarrassing masturbation story? You promised your readers a contest, with prizes awarded to the author of the best (or worst) story. Did the events of September 11 preempt your contest? If so, I feel cheated.
But first a few notes about how we narrowed down the field: All stories that sounded like urban legends were discarded, as were all tales involving parental discovery. Those that involved simple discomfort, bearable humiliation, or short-term inconvenience didn’t make the cut. But by far the largest category of disqualified stories (more than a thousand) were from people who burned themselves masturbating with Ben-Gay, Vick’s VapoRub, Nair, Sea Breeze, Old Spice, dandruff shampoo, Flexall 454, Preparation H, toothpaste, microwaved tomatoes, cantaloupes, watermelons, hands that recently handled jalapeno peppers or poison ivy, etc. Some of these holy-shit-I-burned-my-dick/twat stories were highly entertaining, it’s true, but ultimately they were too commonplace to be all that interesting.
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When I was a teenager I got off on sneaking out of my parents’ house naked and wandering around in the woods (we lived in the middle of nowhere). I really dug masturbating in the darkness of the forest. One night, I decided to put the garden hose up my ass instead. I had always wanted to know how an enema felt. I was a twisted kid.
I used to work for a prosthetician, assisting in the making of false limbs. In order to make a fake leg for a client, we had to make an accurate mold of the stump. To do this we used a powder called Co-Alginate. You mix it with water five minutes before you apply it to a patient’s stump. It then rapidly solidifies into a hard, gel-like yet pleasantly slick substance, which can easily be removed from the patient’s stump with a firm yank.
