I’m a 21-year-old college guy. I used to be chubby and then, about a year ago, I hit the gym. Then I started having my sister dress me because I have no fashion sense. When the weight came off and muscles came on, women really started to notice me. Suddenly women couldn’t keep their hands off me. Now I’m one of those guys I always wanted to be, i.e., good-looking and confident. But I’m not mean. I’m not a dickhead. I’m best friends with my younger sister, and consequently I understand and appreciate women better than most of my male friends.
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I’m sensitive. I understand women. I’m deep. I’m artsy. I’m levelheaded, direct, and always honest, even when it hurts. But the same thing keeps happening to me: Beautiful, Deep, Intelligent, Strong, Independent Woman (BDISIW) meets me. BDISIW shows interest. BDISIW finds out there’s more to me than most guys. BDISIW realizes that I always mean what I say and say what I mean. Then, without fail, BDISIW shelves me. Four times in a row–and that’s a lot considering how picky I am–I’ve been told I’m “settle-down material,” not dating material, and dumped.
So why did I bother molding myself from a pathetic, desperate, outsider kid into a popular, attractive, friendly, successful guy? The fact that I genuinely want to get to know someone before I get physical seems to get in the way. What’s the solution? How do I convince a BDISIW that getting to know me, and making a real connection before anything physical happens, is worth the trouble?
When the women who dumped you explained that you were “settle-down material” and not dating material, they were attempting either to spare your feelings or to extricate themselves from your company as quickly and painlessly as possible. I suspect the latter. Women don’t generally dump guys for being good-looking or sensitive or artsy or deep. If you had more dating experience, or if you had the social skills God gave long-grain rice, you would know that “You’re settle-down material” is a variation on “You’re too good for me,” which is a face-saving, feelings-sparing white lie. Roughly translated, “You’re too good for me” means “The more I get to know you, the less attractive you are.”
–Ever-Ready
Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611 or to letters@savagelove.net.
