Maybe there’s nothing women can do about men being “hardwired” to lust after other people. Maybe all we can expect is for them not to act on that instinct. Maybe we just have to “get over it.” But can you give some advice on how? Maybe it’s “natural,” but can you give us a pep talk to make us accept it? –No Clever Acronym
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OK, NCA, here’s your pep talk: I’ve always found that the quickest way to get over something is to fake it–I think you’ll be surprised by how quickly that “over it” feeling sinks in. When it comes to porn, well, you might try checking out some porn and–no, wait, I’m a man, as hundreds of outraged female readers wrote in to remind me. What right do I have to tell you, a woman, how you should feel about porn, these many angry women demanded. So I’m going to shut my big male mouth and run some letters by women, for women, about how women should feel about porn:
I understand that some women are threatened by porn, because I used to be, until a boyfriend took me to a store, told me to pick a video, and then sat down with me to watch it. The incident didn’t turn me into a raging porn addict, nor did it “cure” him of the desire to look at porn. It did help me to understand, learn to enjoy, and get over “the porn issue.” My advice to other women is to experience porn with your lover–log on to his favorite Web sites, watch his best vids. A good look at these things helps a girl realize how little there is to be upset about–and most guys will find it a turn-on. Hell, most of the girls will too. –Not Bothered
–Amateur Private Pornster Loves Excitement
It was stupid of me not to have included a parenthetical like this one after that line about men and monogamy: “(Women aren’t wired for monogamy either–but that’s another column.)” This omission wasn’t only stupid–remarkably stupid!–but nearly inexplicable considering that I wrote at great length about the nonmonogamous natures of men and women in Skipping Towards Gomorrah, my most recent book. So let me set the record straight: Men are pigs, women are whores. I stand corrected.
Considering that the vast and overwhelming majority of male (and female!) porn consumers can and do have “adult relationships with other fully individuated consenting adults,” Wanda, I don’t see how porn is a problem in most people’s lives. Your point about exploitation, however, is well-taken: some people are exploited during the production of porn. But the solution your letter implies–ban porn–is unrealistic. Porn will continue to be produced, legal or not, so the question isn’t “Shall we permit porn?” but “How can we best regulate the sex industry in order to protect people who appear in porn?”
Dan Savage signs Skipping Towards Gomorrah Saturday, October 4, at 11 AM at the Book Stall at Chestnut Court, 811 Elm, Winnetka (847-446-8880).
