[Dan Savage is on vacation this week. Here is “Classic Savage Love,” a column that originally ran in June of 1957, the year he won his first Pulitzer Prize–Eds.]
Best of Chicago voting is live now. Vote for your favorites »
Whether you realize it or not, NYPD, those desperate dolls were doing you a favor. By making it obvious they were on marry-and-mate missions they tipped you off and you were able to flee before things got serious. Some women are better at disguising their reproductive desperation, and had you been dating one of them, well, things might have turned out differently. You might have been hanging out and having sex with a woman who–oops!–forgot to put her diaphragm in one night. Or misplaced her pills. Or poked holes in your condom. And, once she was knocked up, wasn’t quite as pro-choice as she led you to believe on your first date.
Instead of complaining, you should thank these women for being open about their intentions. Then, after you’ve thanked them, dump their desperate asses. But be warned: Dolls repeatedly dumped by guys struggling with cliched fear-of-commitment crapola eventually adopt new stratagems. Eventually they’ll switch to stealth search-and-be-impregnated mode, telling a man everything he wants to hear (“Oh, honey, let’s just live for today! Another blow job?”), biding her time until she can make him say what she wants to hear (“Oh, shit, you’re pregnant? Guess we better get married”).
He’s not sick, you’re not a prude, and you weren’t cheated on. He didn’t have sex with strippers–while $500 is a lot of money, it won’t go that far in a strip club–and while you may not have been aware of everything that goes on in such places, he was going with your consent. Which is not to say that your boyfriend behaved admirably: when he obtained your permission, he probably downplayed the amount of time and money he spends and didn’t inform you about all those couch, table, and lap dances. He took advantage of your naivete, and for that he should be made to suffer.
There aren’t massage parlors or escort services that specialize in mothers-to-be–think of the staff turnover!–but female escorts and erotic masseuses do, like other women, find themselves pregnant from time to time. Your best bet is to call around, letting your local escort services and houses of ill massage know you’re interested in a sexually exciting pregnant woman. If they’ve got one on staff, or one on maternity leave, maybe they can set you up.
