After much trial and error, it’s become abundantly clear to me that I’m a lesbian. My problem is that I’m having a lot of trouble meeting women. I tried dating a friend of mine, but that turned out terribly. I’m sick of meeting people in bars, seeing as how bars only ever seem to be meat markets, and I’m incredibly sick of hooking up while drunk. My campus LGBT group is so insular that it’s impossible to do anything with someone without the entire community knowing. Third, I’ve delved into the recesses of online dating, but I’m inherently wary of meeting people in such a forum. Is there any place I could possibly meet a nice girl where I won’t have to hang out with drunks, worry about incessant gossip, or the possibility of being picked up by a psycho? –Clueless Undergrad Needs Trustworthy Sweetheart
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La la la. I hope that advice suffices, CUNTS, because honestly that’s all I’ve got. I’m having a hard time concentrating on the sex-advice thing at the moment, because the motherfucking election is six days away! I know, I know: the election has come and gone for you, gentle reader. But I write my column a week before it appears in print, so while all of you out there reading this know the outcome, I’m still sweating it out here, incapable of thinking of anything else, literally sick with worry. All I can say is, thank God I live in a state with medical marijuana.
OK, back to not thinking about the election. Back to thinking about 16-year-olds: Here’s a concept that a straight male friend who wishes to remain anonymous introduced me to, a concept that may explain away my desire to fuck my scalding-hot thirtysomething boyfriend back when he was a scalding-hot teenage water-skier. It goes like this: My straight male friend tells me that when he notices a particularly good-looking teenage girl, he can’t help but imagine how hot she’ll be at, say, 20 or 25. He calls these good-looking teenage girls “round-ups,” as in, “If you rounded up that girl over there to 25 or so, I would totally want to fuck her.” He insists he’s not a pedophile, just an optimist. Discuss.
First, if any folks out there are interested in getting their minds off the election or anything else, I can attest that reading about fucking machines–yes, they exist and, yes, they’re commercially available–is almost as good as these pictures of my boyfriend in a Speedo at 16. A good primer can be found at www.fuckingmachines.com, which features lots of women being, like, totally fucked by machines. For a look at some men being fucked by machines, check out www.buttmachineboys.com. And, finally, anyone interested in obtaining a fucking machine of his very own can order them at www.extremerestraints.com.
