Gentle Readers: If there’s ever been any doubt about how seriously I take my responsibilities, this column should lay ’em to rest. Last year I agreed to auction off a chance to give advice in Savage Love. What can I say? I’m a sucker for charity, and the auction raised money to feed the hungry. Eleven months after the auction, I finally met up with the winner, Jill, a lovely Cuban-American lesbian from San Francisco. We knocked back a few drinks and dug through the ol’ e-mail in-box. Below you’ll find her advice, my critiques of her advice, and a letter grade for each response.
Best of Chicago voting is live now. Vote for your favorites »
Jill: This “smart, beautiful woman” is a time-release asshole. Picture a future life with your pork-barrel paramour: Hot summer nights of wine, engaging conversation–and Sean Hannity. Apartment leave-behinds of pretty red panties–and Ann Coulter’s How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must). And is that a “War on Iran: Yes!” bumper sticker I see on your hybrid in the near future? Run, BUSHBS, run!
Dan: Not bad, Jill. You lose a couple of points for not acknowledging that some men and women are happily partnered with people whose politics they find revolting. And while I agree with the gist of your advice, I would’ve qualified it by pointing out that entering into an LTR with a Republican would not only keep dinner conversations interesting, it would also keep hate-fucking on the menu, a sexual option that’s usually lacking in an LTR. Finally, I’ll have to knock off a few more points for your gratuitous use of alliteration (“pork-barrel paramour”?), a device frequently abused by amateur and/or inept advice columnists. (For truly horrifying examples of alliteration abuse, see Time Out New York “sexpert” Jamie Bufalino’s totally terrible, repugnantly repulsive, criminally crappy column Get Naked.) Grade: B-
