This is probably the least entertaining letter you’ll ever get, but I hope it’ll make a nice break between snot suckers and shit eaters. I am 18 now, going to college, and I think I may be in love. I know it might seem like I’m jumping in with both feet, but I don’t think I am. I met this girl on one of my first days in college–granted that my college has only been going on for four or five days–and I can barely get through the day without thinking about her. Not in a sexual way, either (although that would be nice)–I just can’t keep her face out of my mind or her voice out of my ears. I want to know how I could know if I truly am in love with her, and what I should do if I am. I can’t ask my friends, because we met a lot of the same people, and I’d feel like a dork asking my parents. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you’ll print this and answer me, because I’ll trust your advice no matter which way you go.
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There’s a good reason sex-advice columns are filled with letters from snot suckers and shit eaters, DANISTHEMAN: They’re freaks, their problems are interesting, and the answers aren’t always obvious. Your letter, on the other hand, is pretty damn dull–in fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s the dullest letter I’ve ever run. And your question? “Is it love?” That’s precisely the kind of problem a young man is forced to take to his parents because no one on earth besides his parents could give even the teeniest, tiniest, turdiest shit. A nice, normal young man with a run-of-the-mill crush on a nice, normal young woman? Is there anything duller?
So if DANISTHEMAN’s letter is so dull, I hear other readers murmuring, why am I running it? Because DANISTHEMAN has provided me with an opportunity to send a very important message to everyone who reads my column: enough with the strained acronyms already. The reason I started making acronyms out of people’s sign-offs, folks, was to save space. Alert readers noticed, and soon they were creating cute little sign-offs that, once they were turned into acronyms, spelled out something short and sweet–like SNOT or SHIT or FUCK. But things have been getting out of hand. While I appreciate everyone’s efforts–and, in the case of DANISTHEMAN, the sentiment–clunky run-on sentences don’t save me any space. So save yourselves the trouble, acronym fans, because I’m not running any more sign-offs that result in acronyms longer than five letters.
Finding another bisexual girl at a large university, HAL, is about as difficult as finding a beer bong on frat row–if you can’t find one, you’re not looking very hard. According to the new issue of Details (yes, the one with Ashton Kutcher on the cover), people under 25 are all freakin’ bisexual these days–even the boys. While some may be tempted to dismiss the story as so much wishful thinking on the part of Details’ editors (especially the part about the boys), I know for a fact that it’s true. Once upon a time on American college campuses only girls could be casually bisexual, dabble a bit, and still be taken seriously when they claimed to be straight after graduation. Now straight guys are being cut similar sexual slack, and I think that’s just swell.
