Through frequent self-stimulation, I have developed my love muscles to the point where I can ejaculate four to five feet in the air. Is this considered a normal level of ability, or does my range surpass that of the average American male? A related problem: my precious bodily fluids often hit my eyes during that climactic moment, which results in my eyes being pasted shut when I awaken in the morning. Getting my eyes unstuck can be a painful process. Can you recommend anything that would remove this dried fluid from eyes or hair with a minimal amount of pain?
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First, the writer uses phrases like “frequent self-stimulation,” “love muscles,” and “my precious bodily fluids.” Letters from people with actual questions or real problems rarely use flowery, overblown, or “erotic” language; people with real problems get right to the point. The second clue that this letter is bullshit is that this man isn’t complaining, he’s bragging. Most men would be delighted to shoot five feet, so his “problem” isn’t a problem at all.
Third, the letter’s many factual errors expose the author as a bullshitter. While men can indeed strengthen their love muscles (the muscles that aid ejaculation), no amount of simple masturbation will change a dribbler into a shooter. If “frequent self-stimulation” was all it took to make a man shoot over his head, we’d all be ruining the wallpaper in our bedrooms by age 15. Also, the writer suggests he comes in both of his eyes and then goes to sleep, awakening the next day with his eyes pasted shut. Puh-huh-huh-leeze. Anyone who’s ever had come in his (or her) eye will tell you that the shit burns. Your eye turns red and it tears up. No one–and I mean no one–could drop off to sleep with a load in his eye.
As a straight woman living near a large public park in a gay neighborhood, I generally have no trouble with gay men. However, I have one really, really big pet peeve: What is with the used condoms all over the park? I really, really hate going for a walk on a Sun-day morning with my latest straight fellow and finding used condoms everywhere. It’s disgusting and makes the place look like a trash heap–and they stick to my shoes! And just think of those poor park workers who have to clean up! All I ask, guys, is that you pack out what you pack in.
Also, I’d also like to assure my fellow Americans that there are worse game shows out there. For instance, New Zealand’s state-owned television network recently showed footage of a man stapling his penis to a crucifix and setting it on fire. While the stunt, performed on a show called Havoc 2000 Deluxe, was “unusual and macabre,” it did not breach good-taste standards–at least according to New Zealand’s government. And what did the man whose penis was set on fire–student Thomas Hendry–win? A million dollars? A kiwi farm? A sheep ranch? No, the sucker won 500 New Zealand dollars ($245 U.S.) and a $500 bar tab. Lordy, lordy, I wonder What This Says About New Zealand Culture.
