When you said, “All masturbation horror stories that sounded like BS were discarded,” I said to myself, “I guess we won’t be reading any ‘I-got-a-hot-dog-stuck-up-there’ stories.” The hot dog story you ran was well crafted, but it’s an urban legend. Type “hot dog vagina urban legend” into Google.com and you get hundreds of results. Sometimes ten seconds of research goes a long way.
Moving right along, my Grand Council of Masturbation Experts convened this week to select the winners of Savage Love’s MHS contest–a process that turned out to be more complicated than scheduling the Emmys. You see, there are actually two Grand Councils of Masturbation Experts. The east-coast grand council is comprised of Rachel Venning and Claire Cavanah, co-owners of Toys in Babeland, a sex-toy shop in New York City (with a branch in Seattle). The west-coast grand council is comprised of the staff of Good Vibrations, a sex-toy shop in San Francisco.
Best of Chicago voting is live now. Vote for your favorites »
And the winners are…
If the kid who put a hose in his ass and ran into the woods doesn’t win the [prize] for men, I’m gonna vote for George W. Bush next time around. His story was so beautiful.
It’s nice to know Bob exists, because his story took first place from the Toys in Babeland crew in the boys’ category. “Unwittingly jerking off in front of your entire high school is the saddest story of teenage humiliation we’ve ever heard,” said Claire.
Well, that’s all, folks. I’d like to thank everyone who sent in their MHSes (you’re all winners!), and a special thanks to both grand councils. “All of these horror stories are extremely instructive,” said Dr. Carol Queen, Good Vibrations’ resident sex guru. “And many of them illustrate how important it is to have appropriate toys and/or information.”
