Tell you what, Dan. If you do your job and answer some fucking questions, all of your readers promise to run out and buy your book and make it a best-seller. But if you keep boring us with the details of your boring book tour, none of us will buy your book! No more bullshit about your boring book tour. Do your job. Answer our questions.
For instance, I’m writing this column sitting at the bar in the lobby of Milwaukee’s Hotel Pfister (pronounced “fister,” just like the word for someone who puts his arm up your ass). Being a homo, I naturally find staying at the Pfister pretty hilarious. I could do an entire column about this place–but I wouldn’t want to bore you, FEDUPP.
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Oh, and then there’s this book tour story: Three very nice young people (including one very good-looking guy) offered to get me high at a Harry W. Schwartz Bookshop in Milwaukee, where I was doing a reading. Since I’m far from my regular responsibilities, and since the book I’m touring to promote includes a long chapter defending the recreational use of marijuana, I told the nice young people that, sure, I would get high with them after the reading. They told me we had to get high right away, since they weren’t sure they could stay until the end. They had class in the morning, they explained.
That was the end of that. While I defend recreational drug use in my new book–have I mentioned that I have a new book out?–I didn’t think it would be wise to smoke pot with 15-year-olds. Heck, it might even be illegal.
Even though you’re technically above the age of consent (which is 16 in Michigan), your teacher could get in big trouble if your relationship progresses past touching, rubbing, and “filing.” Fucking your students is a career-ending offense these days (so is massaging your students), and God help the poor teacher who gets caught engaging in domination/submission games (even if it was the student’s idea). If your teacher makes you her sex slave and the two of you get caught, VSIM, you’ll be sent to a shrink and she’ll be sent to the electric chair.
I am a mature teenage girl with a question for you. My brother was watching a porno site with one of his friends and claims he saw a video clip of a man sticking his entire head up a woman’s pussy! I say it’s impossible! The woman would die! My brother says that if a woman can give birth, she can get a man’s head up there. Set us straight, Dan!
Confidential to Ryan: On that first issue, go get a friggin’ HIV test already. As for that second issue, you’re right: Jenn sounds like the kind of girl who would be cool about her boyfriend being a cross-dresser. But there’s only one way to find out for sure: you’ll have to tell Jenn that you’ve been wearing her “missing” panties.
