We are a M/F bisexual couple facing an ethical dilemma. We’ve been together ten years. He’s a gorgeous, well-built man with a strong sex drive. I’m a beautiful woman with a normal sex drive. I have also been HIV-positive for 12 years. He’s negative. We would really like to explore his bisexuality together and have been advertising for a bisexual male partner.
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We ran a hot ad for a year that was open about my HIV status. It didn’t get a single response. A subsequent ad that said nothing about my HIV status got dozens of responses. We told the three men we met through our non-disclosing ad that I was HIV-positive during our initial meetings and all three declined to play with us. Since I mostly agree with all three points above, I’m having a hard time standing up for full disclosure. Do you see a way out? And if you think I should disclose my HIV status to nearly anonymous sex partners, what’s the least socially awkward way? “Hi, I have HIV!” isn’t a good conversation starter and doesn’t seem to turn people on.
You described your problem as an ethical dilemma, and so I forwarded your E-mail to a specialist. “The pesky thing about ethics is that sometimes doing the right thing means you don’t get what you want,” said Randy Cohen, author of The Ethicist, an advice column that appears in the New York Times Magazine. “Your boyfriend’s rationalizations–I hesitate to call them arguments–are unpersuasive. I’m afraid you must be truthful with your potential partners even if that turns them into potentialless partners, should potentialless happen to be a word. It may well be that anyone responding to an ad knows there is risk, just as anyone buying a used car knows that they may be cheated, but neither assumption justifies deception.
Your question isn’t boring, CP. In fact, I’m extremely pleased you sent it in. A couple of months ago someone asked where the best-looking waiters in Chicago work, and I invited people to write in with nominations. Figuring I’d earned an afternoon on the phone chatting up cute waiters after churning out three–three!–cunnilingus columns in three–three!–weeks, I decided to call some of Chicago’s best-looking waiters and asked them your question.
I would also like to add something to the response about keeping the twat nice, neat, and clean. It goes both ways. I was married to a man who would wear his shit-stained undies all day and then pull out his cock and expect me to suckie suckie. He wouldn’t shower first because he thought sex was dirty…so why shower just to get dirty again? So all you men out there who wonder why we don’t suckie suckie: Get a whiff of yourselves. And no, I am not still married to Mr. Dirty Diapers. I’m now with a wonderful guy that washes his beautiful cock daily and wears clean, fresh undies–if he wears any at all.
