Being a big fan of your book Skipping Towards Gomorrah, I was delighted to read about William J. Bennett’s gambling “problem.” America’s number one moral crusader lost millions of dollars in Las Vegas casinos. I realize it’s not cool to laugh at the misfortunes of others…but I’m willing to make an exception for Bennett. So Republicans like Rick Santorum would have us believe that it’s not OK for two queers to fuck in the privacy of their own home, but it’s just dandy for Bennett to blow eight million bucks in Sin City? –Bennett’s Chips Flow
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Anyway, hundreds of other writers have already pointed out that Bennett’s justifications for his vice–never hurt anyone, didn’t break the law, “If you can’t handle it, don’t do it”–apply just as well to the vices he condemns. Getting a blow job in the Oval Office from an eager intern, for instance, isn’t against the law, it didn’t hurt anyone, and clearly Clinton could handle it.
Of course, not all American sinners know what Bennett looks like. We’re too busy sinning to catch the Sunday-morning talk shows. So to help sinners better police Bill Bennett’s private life, I am making available a very special deck of playing cards. “Nevada’s Most Wanted” is modeled on those Iraq’s Most Wanted playing cards distributed by the U.S. military. But instead of pictures of Saddam Hussein and his henchmen, the Nevada’s Most Wanted deck features a picture of Bill Bennett on every card. Buy a pack, familiarize yourself with Bennett, and if you see him near a casino, call the number on the back of your cards and let Mrs. Bennett know she needs to come down and collect her husband.
However, I have a bone to pick with the American people. Back when I first started writing about Ashton, most of the mail I got in response went like this: “Ashton who?” When I said “Ashton Kutcher, only the most beautiful man on television today,” people told me to stop thinking with my dick. Yes, I was thinking with my dick. Find me a guy who doesn’t. And to everyone who doubted my dick’s judgment, well, I can’t resist pointing out that my dick has been vindicated. Everybody has the hots for Ashton now. Don’t believe me? Check out the cover of Rolling Stone. And the next time my dick has something to say, listen up.
First, there’s no such thing as a gay sex act. There’s nothing two men or two women can do in beds, bushes, or butts that a man and woman can’t also do. Second, even if there were gay-specific sex acts, why save “Santorum, Santoruming, Santorumed” for gay sex acts? Santorum didn’t just say that gays have no right to private, consensual sex; he said that no one, gay or straight, has that right. He even said that states should be able to outlaw birth control. That makes him a threat to the sexual freedom of straight people, too–and straight people should contemplate that fact whenever they pull a Rick Santorum, don’t you think?
