I’m a big fat liar! I’m 24 years old and still a virgin. Only my high school friends know this. I’ve lied to all my college friends and everyone thereafter. I’m a decent-looking guy, just never got laid, not even a blow job. Hell, I have practically no sexual experience. I have some really good friends now and still make up everything when we talk about women. This is really starting to guilt me out because I try to be as honest as possible. Now a situation presents itself where the people who know I’m a virgin and those who don’t are going to meet. As usual with guys getting together and drinking, the topic of sex will come up. I’m afraid my current friends will find out that I’m a virgin and be outraged that I’ve been lying to them. Any thoughts on how to get myself out of this mess and keep my friends?

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Wow, what a depressing letter. Twenty-four years old and still a virgin? Obviously your parents didn’t send you to Catholic school. Look, the truth about your sexual inexperience is going to come out sooner or later, so I advise you to take control of when and how by leveling with your college buddies before they get together with your high school buddies. “You guys,” you should say, “I gotta tell you something. I’ve never had sex. I was shitting you ’cause I was embarrassed about being a virgin.” Coming clean before your high school friends expose you as a liar should prevent your college friends from getting pissed off. It’s an entirely common, entirely understandable lie–one your college friends probably told before they lost their virginity (assuming that none of them are still lying virgins). On the downside, you’re going to come in for some much deserved teasing. Endure it with grace and good humor. On the upside, your friends may decide to make it their personal mission, teen-sex-comedy style, to help you find a girlfriend and get that cherry popped already.

I am a single straight girl, I am intelligent, blond, I have a good figure, but all the guys I’ve been with lately have dumped me. It’s always after sex, and I know that I’m not bad in bed. My ex-boyfriend told me that I am intimidating in bed because of my sex drive. I was seeing a lawyer for a few weeks, he was great, acted interested, called every day, took me out, but after I slept with him he flaked out on our next date and stopped calling me. After the lawyer I met someone at a friend’s birthday party. He was really intelligent and he seemed interested. We had sex after our third date and then the same thing happened: he flaked out on our next date and stopped calling.

OK, because your letter is the single most depressing piece of mail I have ever received, here it is in the column. I would hope, however, that the appearance of this letter doesn’t fill your friend with false hope. I doubt very much that many of my female readers will be clamoring to be pen pals (or possibly more!) with a one-legged, brain-damaged guy with slurred speech. Pity may prompt a few women to write, but the odds of your friend getting any pussy out of this are pretty slim.