I gotta say I’m a bit disappointed in you. I’ve been reading your column for years, and you’ve answered the same question from gay men many times: “How can I hook up with my straight roommate?” Months ago I asked you a similar question–“How can I hook up with my gay best friend?”–and I got nothing. Nothing! I explained to you my situation–he’s cute, we flirt all the time, and he always says stuff like “We look like we’re going out!” while he’s hanging all over me. I asked you what I could do to hook up with him just once…because he’s driving me crazy…and I’m falling for him…and you didn’t respond at all! You didn’t even tell me to fuck off! I even thought of a great acronym! Dan, Dan, Dan. Please respond this time! How do I get in this boy’s pants?
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FAGHAG isn’t the only person who has written me a second, third, and fourth letter to complain after a first letter failed to make the column. For the record, ladies and gentlemen, I can’t possibly respond to all the mail I receive–roughly 5,000 pieces of e-mail per week, not counting the 12 billion or so pieces of spam that arrive every damn day. If you send me a letter and it doesn’t appear in the column, you’ll have to go elsewhere for advice, OK?
And I’m certainly not going to waste space running lame letters like yours, FAGHAG. Unlike a gay boy with the hots for his straight roommate, you’re not in any danger. A gay boy who makes a pass at a straight boy is risking life and limb, however open to the pass the straight boy appears to be. Those gay boys need my advice, some bucking up, and a little push. But you, FAGHAG? What are you risking? Nothing! If your gay buddy doesn’t want to fuck you, he’ll say so, and you can order another round of mojitos and laugh it off. He’s not going to beat the shit out of you with a baseball bat or out you to everyone at your high school. All you’re risking is rejection, FAGHAG, and that’s a run-of-the-mill risk. We all risk rejection when we hit on somebody–it’s just not column worthy. So fuck off already.
I’m a 21-year-old student. I’ve been dating a guy since January. All summer I’ve been living in Portland, over 100 miles from his hometown. A week ago he admitted that he met a girl at a party. After many a Miller High Life, she told him he had a “nice butt.” While this isn’t so bad, she later sent him a link to a Web site where she posts nude pictures of herself. I found them on his computer, and the two live in the same neighborhood. I admit that I feel jealous and I can’t stop talking about this. Maybe I’m paranoid, but I’m worried his fantasies will quickly become reality. Am I being stupid?
Event number one: While we were making love, she sucked my tongue into her mouth and wouldn’t let go. I said “Ow!” as clear as I could, repeatedly, but I couldn’t say anything else because she had a death grip on my tongue. When she finally let go, my tongue was bleeding and sore. She sheepishly apologized but wouldn’t say much when I asked her what that was all about.
