You’ve often come to the aid of many a sick, demented fetishist, which has inspired me, a 23-year-old overweight brown-skinned dude who has never gotten laid, or for that matter even achieved the least intimacy with a lady, sexy or otherwise, to beg your help in locating some kindly lady who might be willing, so to speak, to ignore a poor psychologically castrated fellow’s faults and instruct him in the ways of physical love. To be fair, I should say that I’m not a perfect retard, as I did attend a bullshit Ivy League institution, I’m actively pursuing plans to obtain a professional degree, I do have a decent sense of humor, which, unfortunately, is sorely unapparent in this message, and I do not like to eat my own shit.
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Did you flunk basic composition at that bullshit Ivy League school you attended or are you on a mission to rehabilitate the run-on sentence? Christ, PRIAPUS (nice acronym, by the way–very Ivy League), there are periods on your keyboard for a reason. After good personal hygiene and a left-leaning voting record, nothing turns on the ladies like concision. If you speak the way you write, PRIAPUS, how can any woman who wants to fuck you possibly tell you if you never pause to take a breath?
I’m happy to print your E-mail address–there it is–but I wouldn’t waste much time sitting at home by the computer if I were you. With a creepy E-mail address like “partialbirth20@hotmail.com,” you’re probably not going to get a lot of mail from my female readers. So why not bite the bullet and see a whore? No one can fault a hard-up virgin for seeking professional help. My advice for you? Call up a few escorts, tell them the truth about your situation (miserable virgin, socially awkward, comma addict), and make an appointment with the first one who seems like a nice person. I’ve known plenty of whores in my time, and, without exception, each regarded deflowering male virgins as an almost sacred trust. Be clean, be respectful, wear a condom, and tip the lady.
When he’s finished swearing the above oath, promise him you won’t do anything crazy, that you’ll do your best to read his physical cues, and that you’ll drop whatever you’re doing if he asks you to. Then have at him.
