My boyfriend looks at porn, and it freaks me out. It’s not because I’m jealous but because I’m insecure: I’m sure many of those girls are more attractive than me. In general, Dan, you’ve been really insensitive toward people (girls, I guess) who feel strange about porn. I think that was unnecessary, because you have to see, even if it is flawed, where we are coming from. Any words illuminating this interest in porn would be helpful in my getting past this.
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All men look at porn–men with hot girlfriends, men with dumpy girlfriends, men with ten girlfriends, men with no girlfriends. The handful of men who claim they don’t look at porn are liars or castrates. Tearful discussions about your insecurities or your feminist principles will not stop a man from looking at porn. That’s why the best advice for straight women is this: get over it. If you don’t want to be with someone who looks at porn, get a woman, get a dog, or get a blind guy. I’m sorry if you think that’s insensitive–no, wait. I’m not sorry. I sincerely believe that “Get over it” is the best possible advice for women bothered by porn. While men shouldn’t rub their female partners’ noses in the fact that they look at porn–that’s just inconsiderate–my telling women that the porn “problem” can be resolved through good communication, couples counseling, or a chat with their pastor would be neither helpful nor realistic.
“Her letter is sweet,” says Loftus. “Unlike other women, she admits to her own insecurity instead of attacking her boyfriend. It is common for women to think their men are comparing them to the gals in porn, but believe me, we don’t. Men are much simpler than that: we enjoy looking. When we regard a passing Porsche with awe, it doesn’t mean we really want to own one or that we hate our little Honda.” (So you’re a Honda, AG–I hope this compassion stuff is making you feel better.) Loftus goes on to wonder why women who feel insecure about men looking at porn don’t feel insecure when their men leave the house. “The women he sees on the street every day are far more accessible than the ones on the page, his VCR, and his computer screen. But it’s a lot of work to get to know someone new, and we tend to like our significant other for a host of reasons besides mere looks.”
For more info about Watching Sex, go to www.david-loftus.com.
