For crying out loud! What the fuck is wrong with people?! What the fuck is going on when someone wants noxious gas sprayed in their face for sexual pleasure? For the love of god, what the fuck is going on when a man wants to consume feces?
And finally, AGOG, I hope my normal readers are able to enjoy their sex lives despite the knowledge that there are shit eaters and fart sniffers out there–and there always will be. It’s a free country, and as tempting as it may be we can’t exactly round up the shit eaters and, uh, gas them. As disgusting as shit eaters are, it’s currently illegal to murder them. Heck, they’re not even legally obligated to floss.
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Gay people are disgusting, and you are bigoted against straight people. A married straight man only wants his wife to fart in his face, and you come down on him hard. But some fag who wants to eat shit? You’re as nice as can be. Do you eat shit, faggot? Only fags would do something so disgusting.
No. No. No. No. No. No. No! And please stop reading my column.
Please help me! Last week, while playing soccer with some friends, I had the most embarrassing moment of my entire life. Something very funny happened, and when I started laughing I lost control of my bladder. A fully grown woman, I wet my pants in front of all of my friends. We’re talking pee-stains-down-the-pant-leg wet. This hasn’t happened to me since kindergarten, so I have been trying to figure out the cause of this incident. I’m in the middle of a sexual dry spell, and have, for the past month or two, depended on a vibrator to get myself off. The entire week before the pee incident I used my vibrator about twice a day. Could it be that my vibrator is somehow weakening muscles that keep my bladder under control? If not, how can I make sure this never happens again?
Savage Love: Acquainting Christians with poo eaters since 1991.
