I am a 19-year-old guy with a problem. When I was 15, I was a lonely virgin who had never even kissed a girl. My sister, who is a year younger than me, had never had a boyfriend. One day we started talking about this and decided to practice kissing on each other. To make a long story short, it wasn’t long before practicing kissing became practicing heavy petting and then oral sex and then real sex. Since I’ve been at college I have managed to hook up with a couple girls. But I’ve gotten into such a habit with my sister that none of them can please me the way she does. When I come home for holidays we have sex at least a couple of times.
Best of Chicago voting is live now. Vote for your favorites »
Before I get to your problem, SIS, a shout out to U.S. senator Rick Santorum (R-Vatican City). Two weeks and 4,000 news cycles ago, Santorum told the Associated Press that he doesn’t believe Americans have a right to privacy. For the sake of the eternally imperiled American family, Santorum urged the Supreme Court to uphold Texas’s same-sex-only sodomy law. “[I]f the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home,” said Santorum, “then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything.”
I’m running your letter, SIS, to illustrate a point for Rick, a regular reader of my column: Striking down an insulting, discriminatory, unconstitutional law will not, as Santorum fears, open the doors to incest, adultery, bigamy, and bestiality. Straight people like SIS and his sister blew those doors off their hinges long, long ago. And as the New Republic has pointed out, adultery is already legal in some places–like Texas. Bestiality is also legal in Texas. So is straight butt fucking. It’s only gay sex that Texas prohibits. Which hardly seems fair.
I feel obligated to advise you not to think of your stepdaughter in a sexual way, STEPDAD, just as you felt obligated to suggest that option. But let’s cut the bullshit, shall we? You can’t stop yourself from fantasizing about your stepdaughter, however inappropriate those fantasies are, any more than I can stop myself from fantasizing about sticking my foot in Rick Santorum’s ass.
Here’s a message for all you kinky 15-year-olds out there: Enough already. Stop sending me letters about how hard it is to meet people who share your passion for piss or feet or she-males or BDSM or whatever. Not being able to find someone at 15 who shares your kink is not some horrible injustice. That’s the way it is for all teenagers–gay, straight, kinky, vanilla, whatever. Very few 15-year-olds get laid at all–or should get laid at all–much less get to have their wildest fantasies fulfilled.
