A coworker and I share a huge amount of sexual energy. The primary issue is that he’s 17 and I’m closer to 30. My attraction to him is likely related to a (mild) distrust of men, an issue I’m working through with a therapist. I’m not interested in a relationship, and I’m sure at 17 he’s just looking for excitement and experience. Still, I would make sure we understood each other before anything happened. The age of consent in my state is 18, but all the information I’ve been able to find talked about older men and girls. Nothing about almost-legal, just-graduated-from-high-school guys paired with older women with issues. Is this something I should leave alone?
Best of Chicago voting is live now. Vote for your favorites »
No doubt some people reading this are outraged that HOTTY would even consider sleeping with a minor, so let me come to HOTTY’s preemptive defense. An older person can in good conscience sleep with a younger person provided the older person obeys the Four Big Nos of Sleeping With a Young, Inexperienced Person: (1) Tell no lies. (2) Transmit no diseases. (3) Make no babies. (4) Break no hearts. By promising to make sure they understand each other before anything happens, HOTTY is obeying number one. She isn’t letting the boy believe a meaningful long-term relationship is possible. If HOTTY obeys the other three nos, however, she and the boy can have a meaningful short-term relationship. Meaningful short-term relationships don’t get much press, and a lot of people aren’t even aware they exist. But exist they do, and when pressed most people can recall having at least one when they were young–I know I did. (Yes, Tommy, I’m thinking of you.) I’ll admit that rule number four is tricky–despite the older person’s best efforts, the younger one can still wind up with a broken heart (and yes, Tommy, I’m thinking of you)–but if the older person observes rules number one, two, and three, at least it’s harder to condemn the older person if number four is broken.
Finally, my lawyer wanted me to add a fifth rule to the list: break no laws. So in conclusion, and at the insistence of my lawyer, let me emphasize again to you, HOTTY, that you shouldn’t initiate a meaningful short-term relationship with this boy until he’s 18. I hope I’m making myself clear: You must wait until this boy turns 18 before you GO AHEAD AND FUCK HIM. Do we understand each other?
While it’s ironic that the world’s smuttiest advice column will now be written at the same desk where the world’s most mainstream (and most popular) advice column was once written, I intended no disrespect in purchasing Ann Landers’s desk. I’m not mocking her, her column, or her memory–far from it! This is going to make me sound like a huge softy, but the truth is I bought Landers’s desk for sentimental reasons. I started reading her column shortly after I learned to read, and I continued to read her column until the ones she filed before her death ran out. I bought Ann Landers’s desk because I wanted to keep it in the advice business. While the advice I’ll be giving from Landers’s desk isn’t the same advice she would’ve given (see my response to HOTTY, above), that just demonstrates the beautiful thing about advice. According to the American Heritage Dictionary, advice is just one person’s “opinion about what could or should be done.” People who wanted Ann Landers’s opinion wrote to her; people who want my opinion write to me. Everybody has opinions, and the only qualification you need to give someone advice is being asked for it. (An opinion for WOMB, who did ask for it: You say you’re not attracted to the babies, but how do you fantasize about sex with a woman as she’s giving birth and avoid the baby?)
Dan Savage’s new book, Skipping Towards Gomorrah (Dutton), is on sale now–and it makes a great holiday gift for all the Republicans on your list.
