Q I am new to anal sex and enjoy it, despite the embarrassment of occasional santorum. But I’ve wondered about this for a while: Is the person receiving supposed to have an enema first? I’ve heard about people “cleaning themselves out,” and I assume that’s because they don’t want to make any santorum, but is that the real reason? Am I not being sensitive to my lover if I don’t have an enema first and there is some santorum? Is there any anal sex/santorum etiquette that I’m not aware of and should be following? —What Is Santorum Etiquette? Anal Sex Satisfied
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A Santorum happens. If it only happens once in a great while, WISEASS, you don’t have to give yourself an enema before you let someone fuck your butt. Should anyone attempt to make you feel bad about a rare santorum moment, just remind him or her that they’re fucking your butt. While it’s clear that butts were designed for butt fucking—why would it be called butt fucking if they weren’t?—your butt has other duties, like holding up your pants, cushioning your seat, and allowing you to eliminate waste. Tell ’em to deal. Then jump in the shower and pursue some other sexual pleasures that don’t involve your temporarily out-of-commission butt. If, however, you find that santorum is always spoiling the moment, you should administer enemas routinely or top exclusively.
Q Among the many problems in the world, I believe santorum is up there at the top of the list. Particularly the stain it leaves behind. Now don’t get me wrong: the pleasure of anal sex is worth any number of ruined sheets. But as I get older and the number of partners I share my bed with increases, the sheet count starts to add up. I know the old laying-down-the-towel trick, but in the heat of the moment that’s, well, just so anal! So how do you get rid of a santorum stain? I’ve gone as far as using an oxy-cleaner—no dice—and that stain queen who shows up on Oprah once in a while never mentions santorum. —Save Our Sheets
A To hell with the housekeeping staff, MAIDS, what about the next poor schmuck who has to lay his head down on that santorum-soaked pillow? For crying out loud, lay down a towel next time, or fuck your leaky boyfriend in the tub, or fuck him on the floor, like the dog he is! But don’t molest pillows that we all have to share, MAIDS!
