I am a history teacher at LaPorte High School in LaPorte, Indiana (you know, that place that Stanley Changnon said had the worst weather in the United States). Anyway, my students and I would like to know how we can become UN weapons inspectors and how much the job pays. We would also like to know if you get benefits and get to keep those vehicles that they drive around Iraq. Do you get jumpsuits with your name on them like the Ghostbusters had? Thanks for your time. I use your dope in class all the time.
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Let’s chill on using dope in class, R.J.–you don’t want to set a bad example. As for getting jobs as weapons inspectors, you guys are a little late–the UN Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission (UNMOVIC) started hiring three years ago, when it appointed Hans Blix executive chairman. Not that you would’ve had much chance of landing his job. While I don’t wish to deprecate the skills required to be a history teacher in LaPorte, Indiana, Dr. Blix was director general of the International Atomic Energy Agency from 1981 to 1997 and has a cool Swedish accent besides. Then again, many claim Blix was chosen in the belief that he’d go easier on Iraq than the guy the U.S. and UK wanted, Rolf Ekeus. If the goal was not to find anything, why couldn’t the UN have appointed a bunch of high school students and saved some bucks?
UNMOVIC gumshoes have had little success finding the smoking gun that everybody hopes President Bush will provide before he sends in the shock troops. Let it slip that you’ve spent the last few semesters frisking LPHS students for weapons and drugs (hey, I’ve been to LaPorte), and the folks at UNMOVIC’s human resources department are bound to think: Whoa, here’s our boy. As for your students, just put down that they’re all experienced hall monitors.
Art accompanying story in printed newspaper (not available in this archive): illustration/Slug Signorino.
